mumslut

2003-11-14T10:15:00.000Z

*rustles*....oops sorry, wrong door.

2003-04-12T12:13:00.000Z

So this is what you've been doing then is it Pablo? Creating a new website about your filthy dog / vehicle based obsessions?

Woof

2003-02-06T07:58:00.000Z

"[CHORUS]
Call me baby, we can get hot
Come and get my love girl on the wire
1, 2 wacha gonna do?
Stay at mine, sounds fine
Say your gonna feel me, baby that can thrill me
Up and down
Round and round
Call my number; we’ll make love on the line [ALL]

I know you gotta go away, for quite a while
But you can pick up the phone, and you can dial
And when you’re feeling lonely, I can see you right through
And if you tell me that you want it
Then I can make love on the line with you [Rocky B]

I’m gonna miss your body, perfume on your skin
You say you’re gonna feel me, girl that can thrill me
Cos you can call me anytime
For love on the line [Reepa]
(Love on the line) [Krazy]

[CHORUS ALL]

We can chat all night and day girl
When I’m home or away girl
Just give me a call on my line girl
You can be all mine girl
And when we are talking I picture your eyes on your pretty face
With the gloss on your lips, soft mm, skin
And the body I’ll embrace [Strider]

Just make love to me
And give it to me the way you wanna
And everything you ask of me, you know I’m gonna
Cos you can be mine any time
(Any time) [Flava]
For love on the line [Kenzie]
(Love on the line) [Krazy]

[CHORUS ALL]

When I wake you in the night
Girl I’m gonna do you right
We can live a fantasy
And loves bo wo
Imagine that I’m touching you baby
Can you feel me to? [Krazy & Tommy B]
Call my number
For love on the line [Krazy]

[CHORUS x2 ALL]"

Blazin' Squad 'Love On The Line'

2002-12-16T21:25:00.000Z

Have you been looking for a life size golden labrador, in an unrealistic pose, with a dopey look on its face, yet with sinister staring black eyes, made of plastic? In a box? Well your search has ended, because you can get one here.

Dalmatian wearing a fireman's helmet, anyone?

2002-12-09T21:36:00.000Z

If there's any justice in the world Electric 6 will be number one for all of 2003. Be sure to buy their spanking surefire hit 'Danger - High Voltage' on its release on January 6th - it's a winner. Trust me.

2002-12-09T21:34:00.000Z

A new entry on the singles chart at a feeble number 4 for Mr Robert Williams, behind new entries from Enema and the Cheeky Girls. Eighty million fucking quid doesn't look so cheap now does it? I bet it didn't cost a fraction of that to smuggle the Cheeky Girls into the country illegally. Infact, if memory serves me correctly it cost me about £75.

2002-12-09T21:20:00.000Z

Panic ye not, brothers and sisters normal service is resumed. I've just seen Anastacia on telly and I wanted to put my foot through the screen.

Incidentally, is she named after Dan Dare's spaceship?

2002-12-09T21:16:00.000Z

I'm going bonkers. The other day my car broke down in a multi storey carpark in - wait for it - Nottingham, and had to be carried back to Leicester at 1am on the back of a recovery lorry. Bizarrely enough, I quite enjoyed all this. Today, I went to the dentist and had a filling, and quite enjoyed that too. Is my life so devoid of joy that I have started to derive pleasure from things that are normally considered, well, a bit shit? It would seem so.

2002-12-09T21:12:00.000Z

I have seen Minority Report. It's a load of wank.

2002-12-08T10:32:00.000Z

I know that I do not generally find myself dreaming about ex-Blue Peter presenters, not even Janet Ellis, but I do know that Boneyboy recently dreamt about him, me and Gaz from Supergrass murdering someone in a flat. I do not recall this happening in real life, so could this be a premonition? It may well not be.

2002-12-08T10:24:00.000Z

People that know me personally, or associates with me in the very loosest sense of the term if they would rather not be perceived as 'knowing' me, may recall the name Michael Sundin being mentioned in conversation a few weeks ago. Michael was a Blue Peter presenter in the mid 1980's, noteworthy merely for being extremely effeminate and being sacked from the show after being pictured in the News of The World in his underpants with a male stripper, and dying of an AIDS related illness a couple of years later. Poor Michael appears to have been consigned to the dustbin of entertainment history, as no-one seems to have heard of him, and it has even been suggested that I dreamt the whole thing. For no particular reason, thiis will hopefully serve as proof that I didn't, and in some small way help to keep Michael's memory alive. It is the least that the 1976 Synchro Trampolining World Champion (15-18 age group) deserves.

2002-12-08T10:09:00.000Z

It's also a time for a Safeway Party Selection, if your guts are up to it, which mine most certainly are. And something about Jesus.

2002-12-08T10:07:00.000Z

Ahhh, Christmas....a time for celebration, peaceful contemplation, drunken arguments with your loved ones and a barely resistable urge to spend some quiet time locked in the garage with the ignition left on. But more important than that is that it's time for a Christmas version of Las Ketchup's 'Ketchup Song', virtually identical to the version we know and love, but with some sleigh bells added and some digital snow slapped on top of the video. What did you do to deserve this? I don't know.

2002-11-29T23:45:00.000Z

Which Robbie song makes you wish you were dead the most? The ones that get me reaching for the prozac in particular are 'Millenium', 'Let Me Entertain You' and 'Rock D.J'.

2002-11-29T23:42:00.000Z

Why is Robbie Williams popular? I've no idea, but perhaps you know someone who does. From where I'm standing he seems to be absolutely shit, with no redeeming features at all, but perhaps I'm missing something - it wouldn't be the first time.

In fact, he is such a cunt that he makes me despise Elton John less. I fucking hate Phil Collins as much as ever though.

2002-11-29T23:36:00.000Z

The 'Al' in Al Qaeda is short for Alan, who used to run a cash and carry on Aylestone Road. Alan still dabbles in the cash and carry game, but has become somewhat disillusioned of late by the direction his partner Osama has taken the business in.

2002-11-17T11:23:00.000Z

Judging by the stats for Mumslut, the Cheeky Girls are creating a storm of interest, if not a maelstrom. Ooh, cheeky cheeky.

2002-11-13T20:37:00.000Z

Of course I'm joking. I've never seen Planet of the Apes. What do you think I am? Some sort of cunt?

2002-11-13T20:36:00.000Z

Am I the only one who found Helena Bonham Carter dressed as a monkey in Planet of the Apes oddly attractive?

2002-11-13T20:29:00.000Z

It's a while since I've done a product recommendation, so it is with particular gusto I can wholeheartedly endorse purchase of Haze aerosol air freshener. Its bold claim of a '2 in 1 action' neutralizing odours AND leaving the air smelling fresh is no idle boast - it's actually true. It passed the toughest test possible in the gents loo where I work - a small room with no windows and a broken extractor fan, which now smells as sweet as Sarah Cawood, but without the underlying smell of fag smoke.

p.s. I work in a premises that has a gents loo - I don't actually work in a public convenience, or even a private one for that matter.

2002-11-13T20:17:00.000Z

Yes indeed Dickie, I can but dream.

2002-11-13T20:16:00.000Z

'We are the cheeky girls! You are the cheeky boys!' cry the Cheeky Girls on their rather bizarrely titled 'Cheeky Song (Touch my Bum)'. I've no idea who these people are or what they want but at a guess I'd say they are asylum seekers, and frankly they make the Vengaboys seem cerebral. Could they be the saviours of the music industry?

2002-11-12T21:46:00.000Z

One creature in no need of genetic engineering is TV's Sarah Cawood, although I wouldn't mind passing on some of my own DNA to her if you know what I mean. She seems to be everywhere at the moment, no bad thing, her latest televisual triumph being Celebrity Bargain Hunt. There's no place to go when you've reached the top.

2002-11-12T21:33:00.000Z

Talking of genetic engineering, I had a brilliant idea today for a new sort of pet - a super sized domestic cat, about the size of an alsatian or golden retriever, but fatter. It's so simple why anyone has never thought of it before I've no idea. Why domestic cats have been bred over the centuries to be small is beyond me. I have a normal sized cat, and frankly I would like it a lot more if it was about six times bigger, and less miserable, but presumably genetic engineering could make them cheer up a bit as well.

I expect to gain sponsorship for this ambitious project from Whiskas, Good Girl cat treats and all leading wool manufacturers. I will name this new animal simply 'big cat'.

People are always droning on about the evils of genetic engineering, so it's about time it was put to good use to benefit us all. If anyone else can think of any animals that they would like inventing, let's hear 'em.

2002-11-12T21:21:00.000Z

If you work in a genetic engineering laboratory, attempting to breed a fox with Norman Wisdom's face that has bat's wings and spits acid at people sitting in pavement cafes, don't you think it's high time that you took a good hard look at yourself and questioned whether what you're doing has any real value?

2002-11-11T21:46:00.000Z

pablo is a pedagogical low/pablo is a much better dancer than sally/pablo is generally considered the greatest melodica player in reggae history/pablo is grateful for the care he receives at the children's home/pablo is now following a new path as a full time missionary

Well fuck me, it's all true as well

2002-11-11T21:40:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of posts, so many truffles, so little time.

2002-11-03T20:56:00.000Z

WHO is Pablo?

2002-11-03T18:47:00.000Z

And now I am going to enjoy a bottle of real ale.

2002-11-03T18:46:00.000Z

For many years I believed that the truffles you buy in Thorntons are the same as the ones that pigs root around for in woodland. I can confirm that they are not, if anyone else is similarly confused.

2002-11-03T18:37:00.000Z

Looking resplendant in her yellow sweater, green body warmer and trousers, with legs seemingly cut off at the knees, the Yes Car Credit girl could steal anyone's heart, particularly as she always says 'yes'. To nice people, anyway.

2002-11-02T22:52:00.000Z

Why the fuck would anybody want to keep anything that belonged to Princess Di anyway? It'd all go straight in the skip if I got my hands on it.

2002-11-02T22:47:00.000Z

Someone should tell Avril Lavigne that if you have a thin face you shouldn't go overboard with the black eyeliner as you will end up looking like a skull.

If I owned a shopping mall and Avril and her fucking geeky mates came in and wreaked havoc I'd have them all tarred and feathered. Then I'd kick them in the mouth.

2002-11-02T22:41:00.000Z

Fireworks are for retards, but at the same time it is important to keep fireworks away from retards whenever practically possible.

2002-11-02T22:39:00.000Z

Worse things happen at sea:

For example

1) Scurvy
2) Shark Attack
3) Buggered by deckhand
4) Sick in apple barrel
5) Nutella sandwich stolen by gull
6) Sweetbreads crushed by falling mast

2002-10-28T20:38:00.000Z

Well perhaps so, but there are rivals to be found in the real world of pornography, for example 'Playmate of the Apes'. If anyone wants to see this they've got it in the Solihull branch of Blockbuster, on the same shelf as the less cleverly titled 'Erotic Tomb Raider'.

Mumslut would of course welcome reviews of these or any similar celluloid gems.

2002-10-26T11:15:00.000Z

"Shitty Titty Gang Bang" is the greatest made up porn film title of all time, according to official sources.

2002-10-25T21:44:00.000Z

A pissed up old Irish bloke asked me for directions yesterday, but not before calling me a fucking bastard in time honoured tradition.

2002-10-21T19:52:00.000Z

Has anyone confirmed that Richard Stilgoe is still alive? I fear that Cat's rambling testimony may not be absolutely reliable. If he had passed away (Richard Stilgoe, not Cat) I am sure I would have felt something - like a disturbance in the Force.

2002-10-21T19:48:00.000Z

I should point out at this juncture that the links down the left hand side of the page are nothing to do with me whatsoever apart from 'Ask a Drunk' which doesn't work because I am to computers what Princess Di's chauffeur was to driving. Please look at them and tell me if any of them are any good, as I want to put some links in of my own to some stupid crap, and there may not be room for them all. I would look myself, but as I stated earlier it's S Club week, so naturally time is of the essence.

2002-10-21T19:37:00.000Z

Someone told me that the new Coldplay video is shit, and it is, but it does force home a very important message: always wear a seatbelt.

2002-10-21T19:35:00.000Z

They say that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys, and that's very true. Mind you, I was only after someone to sit in a tree, throw fruit and defecate on people's heads so it happily proved to be a satisfactory arrangement for all concerned.

2002-10-21T19:32:00.000Z

Sometimes Samantha Mumba looks quite cute, at other times like she has a moustache. It's all very confusing.

2002-10-21T19:31:00.000Z

It's S Club week on the Smash Hits Digital TV channel this week, (Channel 451) so no need to waste money on going out for the next seven days.

2002-10-16T17:55:00.000Z

Lordy Lordy. It certainly will do, Cat, and I'll thank you for not suggesting that I am a paedophile if you'd be so kind. Why you are calling yourself David Hasselhoff isn't immediately clear, but in all honesty, at the end of the day is there anybody that wouldn't be him given the chance?

I can only assume that Chocolate Weetos are one place above the dreaded Shreaded Wheat in your cereal chart, but can only guess where Sugar Puffs are for I do not recall you ever mentioning them.

Being described as a Poor Man's Buffy should not be taken as an insult.

Is brown hamster loving a euphemism?

Stop the presses! Cat is now using his Willie Rushden alter-ego, which is fair enough as I understand that Mr Rushden's spirit passed into Cat when he was so cruelly taken from us a couple of years back.

2002-10-15T17:19:00.000Z

I cannot believe that Pablo reckons that Avril is a poor mans Buffy. I've never met Avril and I probably never will, but I know that if I do, she'll look a lot nicer than Buffy (who funnily enough, I've not met either) because her nose isn't as weird.

2002-10-15T17:15:00.000Z

My dreams are never as exciting as Pablos, what with his brown hamster loving. I did manage to force myself to dream about Avril Lavigne the other night though, which I was chuffed to bits with. That was until I found out that in this dream, she was only 17 and in the army (a young private benjamin if you will). We were best mates, hanging round the mall, whooping a lot and picking off innocent shoppers with some ruddy excellent sniper shots. Everything was great until I foolishly challenged the young lady to an arm wrestle, where the bitch beat me rather too easily. I got the hump and refused to speak to her ever again - then I woke up. It has been on my mind the last couple of days, because I never want me and ol' Avril not to be friends. I'm gonna force myself to think about her before I go sleep tonight in the hope that she appear once more and we can kiss and make up.

2002-10-15T17:05:00.000Z

I've just realised that i've put my name down as David Hasselhoff and i don't want it to be anymore. I've made a horrendous mistake and i don't know how to rectify it. Fuck.

2002-10-15T16:57:00.000Z

Clusters are my favourite type of cereal. Shredded wheat is my least favourite. Will this do, PaedoPablo?

2002-10-14T19:33:00.000Z

Don't take that as a green light to swear randomly at me. On second thoughts, go for your life, get it out of your system.

2002-10-14T19:32:00.000Z

I'd completely forgotten, but the other day an old man called me a bastard for no reason whatsoever, other than he thought I was a bastard. Far from being offended, I felt quite uplifted by the experience.

2002-10-14T19:25:00.000Z

If you haven't seen it you'll just have to take my word for it, but the new official Kylie Minogue calendar is shit hot. And there I was thinking she's getting a bit past it.

2002-10-14T19:21:00.000Z

The only song about a hamster I know is the confusingly titled 'Fuzzy Birds' by the Super Furry Animals, but it doesn't go on a journey of any sort as far as I recall. Or go in a shed.

2002-10-14T19:19:00.000Z

The other night I dreamt about going on a long journey, across mountains and through valleys, traversing rivers and endless rolling hills, accompanied solely by a brown hamster. Eventually, the hamster ran into a shed, from which I could not retrieve it. Although I was upset at first, my spirits lifted when I realised that it was nothing personal, and the hamster wished to travel no more and live a simple life, in a shed.

When I told a woman at work about this, she told me it reminded her of a Sting song. Now what song by fucking Sting is about going on a long journey with a hamster, I asked myself. But I had missed the point entirely, because the song she was thinking about 'If you love someone, set them free'. It works when you think about it. I loved that little fella.

Cat dreamt about falling out with Avril Lavigne, over what I don't know. Perhaps he will see fit to tell us all about it sometime, but probably not.

2002-10-10T23:03:00.000Z

When I'm out and about, which isn't often, I think about all sorts of clever and exciting things to put on the site. Then I come home, sit down and type in this bollocks.

2002-10-10T23:01:00.000Z

'Some things I just won't do' trills lovely Holly Valance on her catchy new phonograph 'Down Boy'. 'What things?' I bet you're all wondering - panic not, little friends, for Mumslut has the answers.

THINGS THAT HOLLY VALANCE JUST WON'T DO

a) Touch a tramp's cock
b) Squat down and piss on Rod Hull's grave, whilst wearing a cowboy hat and eating a bowl of Coco Pops
c) Vomit into a breadbin

As a special bonus

THINGS THAT HOLLY VALANCE WILL DO WITH MINIMAL PERSUASION

a) Punch an owl in the face
b) Mouth words to a pensioner without making any sound, to make them think their hearing aid has malfunctioned
c) Squat down and piss on Benny Hill's grave, whilst wearing a sombrero, and eating a bowl of Puffa Puffa Rice

If anyone else can think of things that Holly will and won't do then let's hear 'em.

2002-10-06T20:17:00.000Z

POP watch update

Gareth and Will, you really are a pair of cunts.

Las Ketchup, with their catchy number 'Ketchup Song' are as fearsome a trio of pit fiends as you are ever likely to meet. Check out the wince inducing video, and point and laugh cruelly at the dozy looking child contained therein.

'It's all gravy!' sings Romeo and his bitch, Christina someone or other. If only it were all gravy, the world would be a better place. Unless it was onion gravy, in which case it would be a stinking living hell.

2002-09-30T19:31:00.000Z

Mumslut POP watch

Angelle's fat old boyfriend/manager has pulled the plug on Vibe TV, presumably on the grounds that he thinks no 43 and then disappearing out of the chart's arse end never to return was a poor return on his investment. If you tune in now, you get Chart Show TV, which happily is every bit as bollocks. Poor old Angelle, we'll miss her.

S Club Juniors are all very well but the new S Club (Seniors) single 'Alive' (presumably not about South American rugby players in a plane crash) proves that those puppies still have a lot to learn.

Rhonda will have no idea what I'm on about - even less so than usual. But she may have heard of stateside starlet Avril Lavigne, who's caught my eye (and Cat's). She was bound to, looking like a poor man's even more short arse Sarah Michelle Gellar. Song is shite, though.

What am I listening to at this moment? Why, 'Trout Mask Replica' of course.

2002-09-30T19:28:00.000Z

Well I don't see why Edwina Currie is so upset that Johnny Major has said he was ashamed about their affair (fourteen bleeding years ago) which she has been blabbing about to the tabloids. He could have said 'Yes, I fucked a Derby pig and it was great' and she couldn't complain. What a simply dreadful woman.

2002-09-25T19:24:00.000Z

So how did you get to know about the marvellous world of Mumslut? Perhaps you're one of my two friends, or more likely, in the same way as the dyslexic Holly Valance perverts, stumbled across us with a careless search engine query. Here are some examples that the pointless tracking bollocks thing has recorded for posterity:

1. Picture of Krankies
2. Duncan Norvelle
3. captain stab girls sea porn
4. fuck mates mum

And my personal favourite...

5. rate my twat

Frankly I cannot be arsed to look, but I would be most intrigued to hear what sites query number 3 comes up with in particular.

2002-09-25T19:13:00.000Z

I've needlessly missed out on thousands of hits by spelling Holly Valance wrong. I had two 'l's in Valance - how very foolish. The most successful period for Mumslut was back in May, when hundreds of dyslexic Holly fans visited the site. Imagine their disappointment.

2002-09-25T19:08:00.000Z

And it's into double figures for the comment counter for the last posting, which makes you wonder doesn't it? Nigella may not give everyone a semi, but certainly seems to get you all tapping away, if not tugging away.

2002-09-20T18:21:00.000Z

Nigella Lawson - now she's what I call a proper woman. Her TV programme is good, apart from the cooking bits, and I do like the jazz. Occasionally her kids turn up and that really ruins it.

2002-09-12T23:13:00.000Z

Here's a treat for you, provided for educational reasons and not for you sick and twisted fools to derive some sort of warped pleasure from. Why it's a scene guide for 1989 QED documentary 'John's Not Mad' complete with a sound file of the famous plant potting scene. I must warn you that this site does contain some coarse language.

Of course John isn't mad. All he does is swear a lot and twitch involuntarily, which some would consider makes him some sort of visionary genius. You never see him reading the Daily Mail or anything like that.

2002-09-12T23:01:00.000Z

Why not try out the great catchphrases I've been using recently, these being 'go fuck yourself to hell' and 'it made me want to stab myself' for example 'I was watching Changing Rooms...it made me want to stab myself'. Obviously, these aren't my own work - they're far too inspired. The first one is from a story in Bella magazine, the other a quote from a tv celebrity. Can you guess who?

2002-09-09T20:53:00.000Z

I was within two miles of Holly Vallance yesterday, but was strangely unmoved.

2002-09-09T20:50:00.000Z

JJ72 are back. I'm so pleased.

2002-09-09T20:49:00.000Z

It was Big Trak you hapless fools. This is tantamount to a campaign of deliberate misinformation. How dare you.

2002-09-05T18:27:00.000Z

Is Big Trux that crappy thing with the keypad on the back of it, which you could program to move about in a very slow and tedious manner? The fun could be literally doubled if you had the trailer for it, which I believe the boy in the advert used to deliver an apple to his dad, the lazy fucker. Or am I thinking about something different entirely?

I know that Buckaroo always broke, and that I cried once during a particularly fraught game of Kerplunk.

2002-09-03T23:18:00.000Z

Watch that Keiko, he may like to frolic with you amongst the waves and do his stupid tricks, but if you don't keep the sardines coming, he'll have your fucking arm off and even the Ormskirk Catfish won't be able to save you. Anyone who saw 'When Good Pets go Bad' on telly last night will know about the terrifying - and funny - unpredictability of the mighty Orca (or Killer Whale, if you're a prole), as will the dozy bint who was riding on the back of one at Sea World or some other marine themed shithole, only to be thrown off, bashed around and bitten repeatedly by the enraged beast. Not only did she need a hundred stitches, she suffered the utter humiliation of having the whole sorry incident filmed and shown on satellite TV, to the amusement of chortling idiots like myself. Anyone who would think a Killer Whale qualifies as a good pet wants their head feeling.

2002-09-03T23:04:00.000Z

My extensive research has revealed that Lord Spanial is Lord Spanial of Wigston, and no he isn't a real lord, but he may be an opium fiend. Wish him luck in his new career in teaching, probably some subject like 'Beatnik Studies'.

2002-09-03T22:55:00.000Z

'Can I give you one?' asked the girl handing out leaflets for double glazing in the foyer of my local Safeway, in a voice eight times louder than was actually necessary. When I politely refused, she practically yelled after me 'how about a leaflet then?'. A warm and original sense of humour it may demonstrate, but surely this is inappropriate behaviour for the foyer of a family retail outlet.

2002-09-03T22:46:00.000Z

I saw you in the disco/last week in San Francisco/the way you used your joystick/has really made me feel sick
The doctor checked my hard-drive/a virus in my archive/my disc was not protected/and now I am infected

Rarely have words and music been combined to such stunning effect. That is of course an excerpt from the Vengaboys classic 'Cheekah Bow Wow (that computer song)'. Two of the Vengaboys appeared to be girls, but you can never be sure. I know you lot all liked the effete man in the cowboy hat.

2002-08-31T21:48:00.000Z

Kind words from the curiously spelt Lord Spanial, to whom I am humbly grateful. I know nothing of Lord Spanial, other than that if the time of his comment is correct, he gets up very early, or perhaps goes to bed incredibly late. I am absolutely certain that he is a real Lord.

2002-08-31T21:26:00.000Z

It was the fifth anniversary of the death of Princess Diana this week. A lot of people have being say how they cannot believe she has been gone for five years. My message to those people is: you're not trying.

There isn't a day that goes by where I think about her kindness, grace, keen sense of social responsibility and above all her razor wit and infinite personality. She truly was the Queen of Hearts - The People's* Princess

* The People are a bunch of fuckwits

2002-08-29T18:56:00.000Z

Only me!

2002-08-24T17:26:00.000Z

Correction: Cleopatra's television programme was not barely viewable, but was actually completely unwatchable. Please accept my apologies, and in the unlikely event of such programme ever being broadcast again, stay well clear. It was produced by themselves, apparently.

2002-08-24T17:23:00.000Z

Cleopatra, comin' atcha. All this stuff about S Club is all very well, but everyone forgets the real teen pop trailblazers - why, Cleopatra of course, you mindless simpletons - who caught the eye and the ear with their top pop tunes and barely viewable television programme. What got me thinking about them, you ask? The Kids Special Stars in their Eyes. The fake Cleopatra was a remarkably accurate turn, featuring a short asre squeaky one, a gangly plain one and a slightly overweight dumpy one*. Triffic!

I only saw the doppelganger Cleopatra, and can only wonder at what other acts were served up. I would hope junior versions of Johnny Cash, Mark E Smith and Captain Beefheart.

*I used to affectionately refer to her as 'Tank'

2002-08-24T17:12:00.000Z

Yes, it is easy to get Arsenal and Man Utd fans mixed up sometimes, isn't it?

2002-08-19T19:55:00.000Z

I'm frightened by the tall bird out of Liberty X.

2002-08-19T19:46:00.000Z

Rob, I never suggested that the two were linked.

2002-08-12T21:16:00.000Z

My cat watch: my cat brought home its biggest and best prize to date yesterday - a big fuck off dragonfly. Or it could have been a damselfly. One rests with its wings stuck out at 90 degrees to its body, the other with them flush along its sides. Which is which? I can' t remember. Now go to bed, for goodness sake.

2002-08-12T21:10:00.000Z

Vibe TV's and my own special efforts to promote Angelle's debut single have paid handsome rewards. 'Joy and Pain' ROCKETED into the UK singles chart yesterday at number 43. Wallop!!

2002-08-12T21:07:00.000Z

So no Beast, but did I did overcome my fear of something just as monstrous - the Safeway Party selection. Seasoned Mumslutters will recall the terrible effects that this had on my digestive system just after Christmas, and would think that I would have learned my lesson as a result. However, the magical effects of the words 'half price' meant that another box was procured, that proved just as delicious as that infamous festive feast. By a strange quirk of fate, I did not have to endure the trots again as a result - just the opposite in fact - as I was lucky enough to become constipated. Three days without a proper crap - a record for me and no mistake.

2002-08-12T20:40:00.000Z

And why would you. I survived Cornwall, and hopefully so did the little black cat I ran over (in my car). Witnesses did claim that the pussy ran off into a hedge - hopefully to take stock and think about being more careful when crossing the road in future, and not to die slowly and in hideous pain. It could have been a baby Beast of Bodmin, in which case no one is safe now that I have incurred its wrath. Perhaps the Ormskirk Catfish will come to mankind's aid - perhaps not.

Well there wasn't much to review in Cornwall, bar a few greasy caffs (7 out of 10 being the best mark I felt able to award) and the Eden Project (4 out of 10 - it's a fucking greenhouse and has potatoes as one of the attractions) and I avoided both clotted cream and fudge. I did have an ice cream in Padstowe, purchased from a seafront eaterie notable only for the fact that it employs a bloke called Station who lives under a bush near the cycle route. A nice ice cream though - Belgian Chocolate - worthy of 7.5 out of 10.

Station claims to have seen the Beast of Bodmin (the adult version) but as he is a big consumer of mushrooms, booze and other mind altering substances (Station, not the Beast), his testament is not the piece of evidence that proves its existence beyond ALL DOUBT that I was looking for.

2002-08-12T20:35:00.000Z

In the words of Mozzer himself: 'And here I am/And here I am/Well you don't need to look so pleased'

2002-08-01T18:31:00.000Z

I'm going to Cornwall on Saturday - fuck knows why - so no words of wisdom for a few days. Unless I get devoured by the Beast of Exmoor on my way through Devon, I will be speaking to you all later. You can be sure of that.

2002-07-27T18:05:00.000Z

If you enjoy people talking a lot of pointless bollocks - and I know I do - be sure to visit ask a drunk. It just shows what wonders you can dig up when looking for the Ormskirk Catfish, who incidentally I might ask to contribute to the site, as he'll probably be more forthcoming than Catboy. For those of you interested in Cat's whereabouts, he is probably driving to random locations across the East Midlands in his Fiesta Ghia as we speak.

2002-07-27T12:14:00.000Z

Mumslut TV, now there's a thought. I can picture it now: 'Mumslut Variety Hour' hosted by Gail Porter and the Ormskirk Catfish.

2002-07-27T12:13:00.000Z

Yes Ted, Mark Lawrenson has shaved his tache off, but now he presumably realises that he still looks like a cunt, he may as well grow it back again.

2002-07-27T12:11:00.000Z

Whilst we've got an aquatic vibe going, there's a great story on teletext (page 124 if you're quick) about a seven foot catfish terrorising wildfowl in Ormskirk, Lancashire. It's thought to weigh about 24 stones (that's the equivalent of two really fat ten year old children), although exactly how it has been terrorising swans and the like is anyone's guess. I craved to know more, obviously, and a surf of the internet inevitably provided fuck all, bar this fascinating forum that discusses the subject of monster catfish in general.

2002-07-27T11:48:00.000Z

Rhonda, don't feel bad, the world of fish is a harsh one and sometimes you just have to step aside and let nature take your little ones away. That said, I was a bit pissed off when the other fish I bought at the same time as Johann carked it within less than 24 hours, living barely long enough to get a name - Small Terry.

2002-07-24T18:32:00.000Z

'....honing her talent in numerous clubs, hotels and theatres around the country, where she supported everyone from Jim Davidson to Bobby Davro'. And to think of those in between! Duncan Norvelle....The Krankies....Gary Wilmot...the Great Soprendo. None of whom are fit to lick the boots of Paul and Barry Chuckle.

2002-07-24T18:22:00.000Z

If you haven't got Sky Digital get yourself round to the house of a more forward thinking friend that has and INSIST that he lets you watch channel 455. Why it's Vibe TV of course, the hot new channel which is devoted SOLELY to showcasing the talents of new superstar Angelle. She may sound (and look a bit like) a porn actress, but she's ACTUALLY a great new singing starlet. Watch out for highlights such as 'Angelle in concert' (which looks like Angelle miming in the old Wogan studio infront of about 8 people) and the hard hitting Paul King interview ('What's the album like then?'). There's also a super spanking website chock full of banal crap. Check out the wallpaper - it's triffic. She's also an ex-Louise backing singer - if that isn't a GUARANTEE of satisfaction, then I don't know what is.

2002-07-24T18:12:00.000Z

Rob, Dysons are brilliant and Henrys are low rent shite.

2002-07-24T15:18:00.000Z

My fish, Fernando, died this morning. There's no need to be sad though, as I bought a replacement within hours - who shall be known as Johann.

2002-07-24T15:16:00.000Z

My Dyson broke the other day, but don't panic, I've ordered a spare part and it will be as right as rain in no time.

2002-07-24T15:15:00.000Z

Dead Kenny, I believe that this is a case of a word transcending its original meaning, to come to mean something else entirely. In this case, if I think of the word 'cunt' I think of many things before I think of female genitalia (specifically the vagina or 'fanny'), even if that is the word's literal meaning. Dennis Wise would be one of them, along with Danny Baker, Robbie Williams and Phil Collins. Although none of these are female genitalia, you'd be hard pressed to argue that they are not all cunts. Do you see?

We're trawling the depths now, make no mistake.

2002-07-24T15:07:00.000Z

Less of your Robbie Savage baiting, Arseblogger. His ill deserved reputation stems from the Justin Edinburgh incident, so Gunners fans should worship him like the golden god that he is. Not that I give a toss either way, now that he's fucked off to Brum.

2002-07-21T17:57:00.000Z

A big 'ow do?! to Rhonda, a special visitor to the site, as not only does she appear to be a Yankee Doodle Dandy, she even posted a message, which presumably means she's no twat. I thought she was a nutter at first, but is perhaps just a little careless with the old keyboard skills. She appreciates a good swear and you can gain an insight into her life and loves and gawp with envy at her tattoos at very black, whatever that's all about.