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Get your filthy hands off me you sick pervert
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:: Monday, September 30, 2002 ::

Mumslut POP watch

Angelle's fat old boyfriend/manager has pulled the plug on Vibe TV, presumably on the grounds that he thinks no 43 and then disappearing out of the chart's arse end never to return was a poor return on his investment. If you tune in now, you get Chart Show TV, which happily is every bit as bollocks. Poor old Angelle, we'll miss her.

S Club Juniors are all very well but the new S Club (Seniors) single 'Alive' (presumably not about South American rugby players in a plane crash) proves that those puppies still have a lot to learn.

Rhonda will have no idea what I'm on about - even less so than usual. But she may have heard of stateside starlet Avril Lavigne, who's caught my eye (and Cat's). She was bound to, looking like a poor man's even more short arse Sarah Michelle Gellar. Song is shite, though.

What am I listening to at this moment? Why, 'Trout Mask Replica' of course.
:: super 7:31:00 PM [+] ::
...
Well I don't see why Edwina Currie is so upset that Johnny Major has said he was ashamed about their affair (fourteen bleeding years ago) which she has been blabbing about to the tabloids. He could have said 'Yes, I fucked a Derby pig and it was great' and she couldn't complain. What a simply dreadful woman.
:: super 7:28:00 PM [+] ::
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:: Wednesday, September 25, 2002 ::
So how did you get to know about the marvellous world of Mumslut? Perhaps you're one of my two friends, or more likely, in the same way as the dyslexic Holly Valance perverts, stumbled across us with a careless search engine query. Here are some examples that the pointless tracking bollocks thing has recorded for posterity:


1. Picture of Krankies
2. Duncan Norvelle
3. captain stab girls sea porn
4. fuck mates mum


And my personal favourite...


5. rate my twat

Frankly I cannot be arsed to look, but I would be most intrigued to hear what sites query number 3 comes up with in particular.
:: super 7:24:00 PM [+] ::
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I've needlessly missed out on thousands of hits by spelling Holly Valance wrong. I had two 'l's in Valance - how very foolish. The most successful period for Mumslut was back in May, when hundreds of dyslexic Holly fans visited the site. Imagine their disappointment.
:: super 7:13:00 PM [+] ::
...
And it's into double figures for the comment counter for the last posting, which makes you wonder doesn't it? Nigella may not give everyone a semi, but certainly seems to get you all tapping away, if not tugging away.
:: super 7:08:00 PM [+] ::
...
:: Friday, September 20, 2002 ::
Nigella Lawson - now she's what I call a proper woman. Her TV programme is good, apart from the cooking bits, and I do like the jazz. Occasionally her kids turn up and that really ruins it.
:: super 6:21:00 PM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, September 12, 2002 ::
Here's a treat for you, provided for educational reasons and not for you sick and twisted fools to derive some sort of warped pleasure from. Why it's a scene guide for 1989 QED documentary 'John's Not Mad' complete with a sound file of the famous plant potting scene. I must warn you that this site does contain some coarse language.

Of course John isn't mad. All he does is swear a lot and twitch involuntarily, which some would consider makes him some sort of visionary genius. You never see him reading the Daily Mail or anything like that.
:: super 11:13:00 PM [+] ::
...
Why not try out the great catchphrases I've been using recently, these being 'go fuck yourself to hell' and 'it made me want to stab myself' for example 'I was watching Changing Rooms...it made me want to stab myself'. Obviously, these aren't my own work - they're far too inspired. The first one is from a story in Bella magazine, the other a quote from a tv celebrity. Can you guess who?
:: super 11:01:00 PM [+] ::
...
:: Monday, September 09, 2002 ::
I was within two miles of Holly Vallance yesterday, but was strangely unmoved.
:: super 8:53:00 PM [+] ::
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JJ72 are back. I'm so pleased.
:: super 8:50:00 PM [+] ::
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It was Big Trak you hapless fools. This is tantamount to a campaign of deliberate misinformation. How dare you.
:: super 8:49:00 PM [+] ::
...
:: Thursday, September 05, 2002 ::
Is Big Trux that crappy thing with the keypad on the back of it, which you could program to move about in a very slow and tedious manner? The fun could be literally doubled if you had the trailer for it, which I believe the boy in the advert used to deliver an apple to his dad, the lazy fucker. Or am I thinking about something different entirely?

I know that Buckaroo always broke, and that I cried once during a particularly fraught game of Kerplunk.
:: super 6:27:00 PM [+] ::
...
:: Tuesday, September 03, 2002 ::
Watch that Keiko, he may like to frolic with you amongst the waves and do his stupid tricks, but if you don't keep the sardines coming, he'll have your fucking arm off and even the Ormskirk Catfish won't be able to save you. Anyone who saw 'When Good Pets go Bad' on telly last night will know about the terrifying - and funny - unpredictability of the mighty Orca (or Killer Whale, if you're a prole), as will the dozy bint who was riding on the back of one at Sea World or some other marine themed shithole, only to be thrown off, bashed around and bitten repeatedly by the enraged beast. Not only did she need a hundred stitches, she suffered the utter humiliation of having the whole sorry incident filmed and shown on satellite TV, to the amusement of chortling idiots like myself. Anyone who would think a Killer Whale qualifies as a good pet wants their head feeling.
:: super 11:18:00 PM [+] ::
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My extensive research has revealed that Lord Spanial is Lord Spanial of Wigston, and no he isn't a real lord, but he may be an opium fiend. Wish him luck in his new career in teaching, probably some subject like 'Beatnik Studies'.
:: super 11:04:00 PM [+] ::
...
'Can I give you one?' asked the girl handing out leaflets for double glazing in the foyer of my local Safeway, in a voice eight times louder than was actually necessary. When I politely refused, she practically yelled after me 'how about a leaflet then?'. A warm and original sense of humour it may demonstrate, but surely this is inappropriate behaviour for the foyer of a family retail outlet.
:: super 10:55:00 PM [+] ::
...
I saw you in the disco/last week in San Francisco/the way you used your joystick/has really made me feel sick
The doctor checked my hard-drive/a virus in my archive/my disc was not protected/and now I am infected


Rarely have words and music been combined to such stunning effect. That is of course an excerpt from the Vengaboys classic 'Cheekah Bow Wow (that computer song)'. Two of the Vengaboys appeared to be girls, but you can never be sure. I know you lot all liked the effete man in the cowboy hat.





:: super 10:46:00 PM [+] ::
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Comments by: YACCS