:: m u m s l u t ::

Get your filthy hands off me you sick pervert
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:: Friday, November 14, 2003 ::

*rustles*....oops sorry, wrong door.
:: Boney 10:15:00 AM [+] ::
:: Saturday, April 12, 2003 ::
So this is what you've been doing then is it Pablo? Creating a new website about your filthy dog / vehicle based obsessions?


:: Ted 12:13:00 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, February 06, 2003 ::
Call me baby, we can get hot
Come and get my love girl on the wire
1, 2 wacha gonna do?
Stay at mine, sounds fine
Say your gonna feel me, baby that can thrill me
Up and down
Round and round
Call my number; we’ll make love on the line [ALL]

I know you gotta go away, for quite a while
But you can pick up the phone, and you can dial
And when you’re feeling lonely, I can see you right through
And if you tell me that you want it
Then I can make love on the line with you [Rocky B]

I’m gonna miss your body, perfume on your skin
You say you’re gonna feel me, girl that can thrill me
Cos you can call me anytime
For love on the line [Reepa]
(Love on the line) [Krazy]


We can chat all night and day girl
When I’m home or away girl
Just give me a call on my line girl
You can be all mine girl
And when we are talking I picture your eyes on your pretty face
With the gloss on your lips, soft mm, skin
And the body I’ll embrace [Strider]

Just make love to me
And give it to me the way you wanna
And everything you ask of me, you know I’m gonna
Cos you can be mine any time
(Any time) [Flava]
For love on the line [Kenzie]
(Love on the line) [Krazy]


When I wake you in the night
Girl I’m gonna do you right
We can live a fantasy
And loves bo wo
Imagine that I’m touching you baby
Can you feel me to? [Krazy & Tommy B]
Call my number
For love on the line [Krazy]


Blazin' Squad 'Love On The Line'
:: Boney 7:58:00 AM [+] ::
:: Monday, December 16, 2002 ::
Have you been looking for a life size golden labrador, in an unrealistic pose, with a dopey look on its face, yet with sinister staring black eyes, made of plastic? In a box? Well your search has ended, because you can get one here.

Dalmatian wearing a fireman's helmet, anyone?
:: super 9:25:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, December 09, 2002 ::
If there's any justice in the world Electric 6 will be number one for all of 2003. Be sure to buy their spanking surefire hit 'Danger - High Voltage' on its release on January 6th - it's a winner. Trust me.
:: super 9:36:00 PM [+] ::
A new entry on the singles chart at a feeble number 4 for Mr Robert Williams, behind new entries from Enema and the Cheeky Girls. Eighty million fucking quid doesn't look so cheap now does it? I bet it didn't cost a fraction of that to smuggle the Cheeky Girls into the country illegally. Infact, if memory serves me correctly it cost me about £75.
:: super 9:34:00 PM [+] ::
Panic ye not, brothers and sisters normal service is resumed. I've just seen Anastacia on telly and I wanted to put my foot through the screen.

Incidentally, is she named after Dan Dare's spaceship?
:: super 9:20:00 PM [+] ::
I'm going bonkers. The other day my car broke down in a multi storey carpark in - wait for it - Nottingham, and had to be carried back to Leicester at 1am on the back of a recovery lorry. Bizarrely enough, I quite enjoyed all this. Today, I went to the dentist and had a filling, and quite enjoyed that too. Is my life so devoid of joy that I have started to derive pleasure from things that are normally considered, well, a bit shit? It would seem so.
:: super 9:16:00 PM [+] ::
I have seen Minority Report. It's a load of wank.
:: super 9:12:00 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, December 08, 2002 ::
I know that I do not generally find myself dreaming about ex-Blue Peter presenters, not even Janet Ellis, but I do know that Boneyboy recently dreamt about him, me and Gaz from Supergrass murdering someone in a flat. I do not recall this happening in real life, so could this be a premonition? It may well not be.
:: super 10:32:00 AM [+] ::
People that know me personally, or associates with me in the very loosest sense of the term if they would rather not be perceived as 'knowing' me, may recall the name Michael Sundin being mentioned in conversation a few weeks ago. Michael was a Blue Peter presenter in the mid 1980's, noteworthy merely for being extremely effeminate and being sacked from the show after being pictured in the News of The World in his underpants with a male stripper, and dying of an AIDS related illness a couple of years later. Poor Michael appears to have been consigned to the dustbin of entertainment history, as no-one seems to have heard of him, and it has even been suggested that I dreamt the whole thing. For no particular reason, thiis will hopefully serve as proof that I didn't, and in some small way help to keep Michael's memory alive. It is the least that the 1976 Synchro Trampolining World Champion (15-18 age group) deserves.
:: super 10:24:00 AM [+] ::
It's also a time for a Safeway Party Selection, if your guts are up to it, which mine most certainly are. And something about Jesus.
:: super 10:09:00 AM [+] ::
Ahhh, Christmas....a time for celebration, peaceful contemplation, drunken arguments with your loved ones and a barely resistable urge to spend some quiet time locked in the garage with the ignition left on. But more important than that is that it's time for a Christmas version of Las Ketchup's 'Ketchup Song', virtually identical to the version we know and love, but with some sleigh bells added and some digital snow slapped on top of the video. What did you do to deserve this? I don't know.
:: super 10:07:00 AM [+] ::
:: Friday, November 29, 2002 ::
Which Robbie song makes you wish you were dead the most? The ones that get me reaching for the prozac in particular are 'Millenium', 'Let Me Entertain You' and 'Rock D.J'.
:: super 11:45:00 PM [+] ::
Why is Robbie Williams popular? I've no idea, but perhaps you know someone who does. From where I'm standing he seems to be absolutely shit, with no redeeming features at all, but perhaps I'm missing something - it wouldn't be the first time.

In fact, he is such a cunt that he makes me despise Elton John less. I fucking hate Phil Collins as much as ever though.
:: super 11:42:00 PM [+] ::
The 'Al' in Al Qaeda is short for Alan, who used to run a cash and carry on Aylestone Road. Alan still dabbles in the cash and carry game, but has become somewhat disillusioned of late by the direction his partner Osama has taken the business in.
:: super 11:36:00 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, November 17, 2002 ::
Judging by the stats for Mumslut, the Cheeky Girls are creating a storm of interest, if not a maelstrom. Ooh, cheeky cheeky.
:: super 11:23:00 AM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, November 13, 2002 ::
Of course I'm joking. I've never seen Planet of the Apes. What do you think I am? Some sort of cunt?
:: super 8:37:00 PM [+] ::
Am I the only one who found Helena Bonham Carter dressed as a monkey in Planet of the Apes oddly attractive?
:: super 8:36:00 PM [+] ::
It's a while since I've done a product recommendation, so it is with particular gusto I can wholeheartedly endorse purchase of Haze aerosol air freshener. Its bold claim of a '2 in 1 action' neutralizing odours AND leaving the air smelling fresh is no idle boast - it's actually true. It passed the toughest test possible in the gents loo where I work - a small room with no windows and a broken extractor fan, which now smells as sweet as Sarah Cawood, but without the underlying smell of fag smoke.

p.s. I work in a premises that has a gents loo - I don't actually work in a public convenience, or even a private one for that matter.
:: super 8:29:00 PM [+] ::
Yes indeed Dickie, I can but dream.
:: super 8:17:00 PM [+] ::
'We are the cheeky girls! You are the cheeky boys!' cry the Cheeky Girls on their rather bizarrely titled 'Cheeky Song (Touch my Bum)'. I've no idea who these people are or what they want but at a guess I'd say they are asylum seekers, and frankly they make the Vengaboys seem cerebral. Could they be the saviours of the music industry?
:: super 8:16:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, November 12, 2002 ::
One creature in no need of genetic engineering is TV's Sarah Cawood, although I wouldn't mind passing on some of my own DNA to her if you know what I mean. She seems to be everywhere at the moment, no bad thing, her latest televisual triumph being Celebrity Bargain Hunt. There's no place to go when you've reached the top.
:: super 9:46:00 PM [+] ::
Talking of genetic engineering, I had a brilliant idea today for a new sort of pet - a super sized domestic cat, about the size of an alsatian or golden retriever, but fatter. It's so simple why anyone has never thought of it before I've no idea. Why domestic cats have been bred over the centuries to be small is beyond me. I have a normal sized cat, and frankly I would like it a lot more if it was about six times bigger, and less miserable, but presumably genetic engineering could make them cheer up a bit as well.

I expect to gain sponsorship for this ambitious project from Whiskas, Good Girl cat treats and all leading wool manufacturers. I will name this new animal simply 'big cat'.

People are always droning on about the evils of genetic engineering, so it's about time it was put to good use to benefit us all. If anyone else can think of any animals that they would like inventing, let's hear 'em.
:: super 9:33:00 PM [+] ::
If you work in a genetic engineering laboratory, attempting to breed a fox with Norman Wisdom's face that has bat's wings and spits acid at people sitting in pavement cafes, don't you think it's high time that you took a good hard look at yourself and questioned whether what you're doing has any real value?
:: super 9:21:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, November 11, 2002 ::
pablo is a pedagogical low/pablo is a much better dancer than sally/pablo is generally considered the greatest melodica player in reggae history/pablo is grateful for the care he receives at the children's home/pablo is now following a new path as a full time missionary

Well fuck me, it's all true as well

:: super 9:46:00 PM [+] ::
Sorry for the lack of posts, so many truffles, so little time.
:: super 9:40:00 PM [+] ::
:: Sunday, November 03, 2002 ::
WHO is Pablo?
:: Boney 8:56:00 PM [+] ::
And now I am going to enjoy a bottle of real ale.
:: super 6:47:00 PM [+] ::
For many years I believed that the truffles you buy in Thorntons are the same as the ones that pigs root around for in woodland. I can confirm that they are not, if anyone else is similarly confused.
:: super 6:46:00 PM [+] ::
Looking resplendant in her yellow sweater, green body warmer and trousers, with legs seemingly cut off at the knees, the Yes Car Credit girl could steal anyone's heart, particularly as she always says 'yes'. To nice people, anyway.
:: super 6:37:00 PM [+] ::
:: Saturday, November 02, 2002 ::
Why the fuck would anybody want to keep anything that belonged to Princess Di anyway? It'd all go straight in the skip if I got my hands on it.
:: super 10:52:00 PM [+] ::
Someone should tell Avril Lavigne that if you have a thin face you shouldn't go overboard with the black eyeliner as you will end up looking like a skull.

If I owned a shopping mall and Avril and her fucking geeky mates came in and wreaked havoc I'd have them all tarred and feathered. Then I'd kick them in the mouth.
:: super 10:47:00 PM [+] ::
Fireworks are for retards, but at the same time it is important to keep fireworks away from retards whenever practically possible.
:: super 10:41:00 PM [+] ::
Worse things happen at sea:

For example

1) Scurvy
2) Shark Attack
3) Buggered by deckhand
4) Sick in apple barrel
5) Nutella sandwich stolen by gull
6) Sweetbreads crushed by falling mast
:: super 10:39:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 28, 2002 ::
Well perhaps so, but there are rivals to be found in the real world of pornography, for example 'Playmate of the Apes'. If anyone wants to see this they've got it in the Solihull branch of Blockbuster, on the same shelf as the less cleverly titled 'Erotic Tomb Raider'.

Mumslut would of course welcome reviews of these or any similar celluloid gems.
:: super 8:38:00 PM [+] ::
:: Saturday, October 26, 2002 ::
"Shitty Titty Gang Bang" is the greatest made up porn film title of all time, according to official sources.
:: Boney 11:15:00 AM [+] ::
:: Friday, October 25, 2002 ::
A pissed up old Irish bloke asked me for directions yesterday, but not before calling me a fucking bastard in time honoured tradition.
:: super 9:44:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 21, 2002 ::
Has anyone confirmed that Richard Stilgoe is still alive? I fear that Cat's rambling testimony may not be absolutely reliable. If he had passed away (Richard Stilgoe, not Cat) I am sure I would have felt something - like a disturbance in the Force.
:: super 7:52:00 PM [+] ::
I should point out at this juncture that the links down the left hand side of the page are nothing to do with me whatsoever apart from 'Ask a Drunk' which doesn't work because I am to computers what Princess Di's chauffeur was to driving. Please look at them and tell me if any of them are any good, as I want to put some links in of my own to some stupid crap, and there may not be room for them all. I would look myself, but as I stated earlier it's S Club week, so naturally time is of the essence.
:: super 7:48:00 PM [+] ::
Someone told me that the new Coldplay video is shit, and it is, but it does force home a very important message: always wear a seatbelt.
:: super 7:37:00 PM [+] ::
They say that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys, and that's very true. Mind you, I was only after someone to sit in a tree, throw fruit and defecate on people's heads so it happily proved to be a satisfactory arrangement for all concerned.
:: super 7:35:00 PM [+] ::
Sometimes Samantha Mumba looks quite cute, at other times like she has a moustache. It's all very confusing.
:: super 7:32:00 PM [+] ::
It's S Club week on the Smash Hits Digital TV channel this week, (Channel 451) so no need to waste money on going out for the next seven days.
:: super 7:31:00 PM [+] ::
:: Wednesday, October 16, 2002 ::
Lordy Lordy. It certainly will do, Cat, and I'll thank you for not suggesting that I am a paedophile if you'd be so kind. Why you are calling yourself David Hasselhoff isn't immediately clear, but in all honesty, at the end of the day is there anybody that wouldn't be him given the chance?

I can only assume that Chocolate Weetos are one place above the dreaded Shreaded Wheat in your cereal chart, but can only guess where Sugar Puffs are for I do not recall you ever mentioning them.

Being described as a Poor Man's Buffy should not be taken as an insult.

Is brown hamster loving a euphemism?

Stop the presses! Cat is now using his Willie Rushden alter-ego, which is fair enough as I understand that Mr Rushden's spirit passed into Cat when he was so cruelly taken from us a couple of years back.
:: super 5:55:00 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, October 15, 2002 ::
I cannot believe that Pablo reckons that Avril is a poor mans Buffy. I've never met Avril and I probably never will, but I know that if I do, she'll look a lot nicer than Buffy (who funnily enough, I've not met either) because her nose isn't as weird.
:: Catboy 5:19:00 PM [+] ::
My dreams are never as exciting as Pablos, what with his brown hamster loving. I did manage to force myself to dream about Avril Lavigne the other night though, which I was chuffed to bits with. That was until I found out that in this dream, she was only 17 and in the army (a young private benjamin if you will). We were best mates, hanging round the mall, whooping a lot and picking off innocent shoppers with some ruddy excellent sniper shots. Everything was great until I foolishly challenged the young lady to an arm wrestle, where the bitch beat me rather too easily. I got the hump and refused to speak to her ever again - then I woke up. It has been on my mind the last couple of days, because I never want me and ol' Avril not to be friends. I'm gonna force myself to think about her before I go sleep tonight in the hope that she appear once more and we can kiss and make up.
:: Catboy 5:15:00 PM [+] ::
I've just realised that i've put my name down as David Hasselhoff and i don't want it to be anymore. I've made a horrendous mistake and i don't know how to rectify it. Fuck.
:: Catboy 5:05:00 PM [+] ::
Clusters are my favourite type of cereal. Shredded wheat is my least favourite. Will this do, PaedoPablo?
:: Catboy 4:57:00 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, October 14, 2002 ::
Don't take that as a green light to swear randomly at me. On second thoughts, go for your life, get it out of your system.
:: super 7:33:00 PM [+] ::

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